My Flesh against My Spirit- And the winner is?

I have a mission, a purpose, a reason for living on this earth. I have a right to voice my thoughts, my faith, my belief, my struggles, my joys, my revelations, my sadness, my happiness, the pains in my life... I give voice to the words that orchestrates change I give power to those things that so easily besets me by operating against the rules His rules. My Spirit is the big man yet my Flesh is the bigger man in my life. These two people are constantly at odds, at war with each other. (Galatians 5:17) The battle between the two started when I was little and didn't understand a thing about life, trials, tests, flesh, sin, desires, hate, lust, lies, the war that I was in.. I was blind so blind to the fact that I was born into a war zone without my consent. (Get ready, Get set, GO) I was sent to this place called Earth to complete a mission I knew nothing about.  My opponents didn't play fair- I didn't know they even existed, but then it happened I realized my  foes is also on a mission to stop and destroy me.. I had no clue on the training course I would have to complete before I was even aware of the fight I was in. My heart directed me and lead me to whom

I was destined to serve, but not until I was truly ready. I wasn't aware of the obstacles that would be placed in my life to make me or break me and it all begin and end with a choice. As I had to face the music and realize unless I was ready to see the truth and accept I was in a battle it was a lose, lose situation. I had to realize each choice, and action bore an equal reaction and came with a price. The choices of......

  The choice of right or wrong, yes or no, to go or stay, to do or not. Choices developed me, my choices robbed me, my choices put me in bad predicament in which it took only "HIM" to bring me out.

I'd realized early on there were very little I had control over as a kid. I had no choice in the matter of my birth parents who my siblings were going to be, where I would live (neighborhood) I was a product of my environment. I was dealt a bad hand of cards,  and they were low cards to be exact, I was force to play the hand set up in the beginning to fail, a hand dealt to cause me to lose, if I didn't play the cards right the game could end prematurely..  How might it be possible to win when everything in your life seem to work against you, designed to bring harm to you, the actions of others sabotaged every thought of happiness and brought rejection and discouragement.

Due to the fact I was force into a dysfunctional family and placed in an environment where I was sure to lose and become another statistic. How can you change fate at the present, how was it possible to detour all the negativity that the adversary threw at me in efforts to defeat me and to stop me from reaching my destiny. I wailed and whined, cried, scream, begged, pleaded, for HELP, someone any one HELP show me what true love is/was show me loyalty from one human to another... Is is possible for another human can forsake their desires and help another human in need.  I didn't think there was.

No one stopped by to help a dying soul in need. I wanted to be rescued, I needed a Savior someone to save me from my me and the life I'd currently lived. All the bad choices, my dysfunctional thought process that those I entertained instilled in me. They made me believe no one can/will ever love or even like me. I would always be broken. I roamed the world seeking my place/ my position, at the tender age of 12. The parents/ forfeited their jobs and left me stranded, I had to make a life of my own, I was a kid forced to make adult decisions. I constantly asked is this it, there got's to be more then this, there got to be something that can/will fulfill this big void deep in the core of my soul that drives me and lead me to more hurt and pain. I needed healing, I sought for anything that would subdue the pain, and got tied up in places I shouldn't been.

Help didn't surface for a long time, I was force to deal with my foul reality. Darkness surround me and my heart bore imprints of a broken enslaved soul seeking peace, and love.  Pain became my friend, hurt was my norm, I sat and ate with those that feed me rejection, lies, discord, and hate, I carried their bitterness and despair around and made it my own.   I reasoned with who I be came and accept the dark cloud that seemed to loom over me, I was branded by a mark left on my body that I would never forget what they did to me, a scar I would wear for life, he sought to break me, he sought to make me think life was so bad, the worse that I made do the job for them he planned to take my mind so I could no longer function and live in freedom.. BUT.... "HE" the Light had other plans for my life He sent this one person in my life to change the course of the life I knew. FOREVER

 This person saw the greater me, he removed the filth and shame, he made me see there's more to me and I existed for a reason. He help me to understand my pain was truly a gain. My Angel rescued me when I thought all hope was gone-

He erased the imprints in my mind that tried to define who I would become. He said his purpose what to protect me and stand by me FOREVER as long as I live in this realm he will never let me go. He strength was my gain one of the tools used to enforce change.

It was then I'd finally felt what true love was- a love another human gives unconditional without expecting anything in return. God bless my Angel for saving me... For this I am forever grateful for what you brought into my life. For the person you help me to become.


Now 20 years later, I live I breathe, I walk in freedom of choice, although the two men that lives within me (the spirit & the flesh) is still at war, but this war seem to be different, the war I face now is not as simple as I like it to be, this is a different day and time I have a new found momentum and zest for life in a way I'd never experience before. I'm a star to many, A blessing to some, they run to me and say "Hey, I'm your #1 fan".. He wants to know my name when before I was only a shadow, "Neicy,who?" and  "Get away from me , shoot fly don't bother me"like a undiscovered treasure waiting for the right person to find it.. I waited and waited. Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered and  wooed by all the token of thoughts, and vibes sent this way.. Years later, when I understood the true power that resided in me and was there all the time I questioned over and over again.....

How is this possible I was born a no-body how is it my flesh takes pleasure in the attention of "MAN" the gestures, words, praises, compliments which are so foreign to me, 20+ years ago, I was a slave to the system I was trying to find "ME" trying to "LOVE" me, no one saw me I was only a speck of dust on the ground, today they desire me they want to know me they jock me..... Never haughty, never vain, I pray to never change, but to always be and serve him the same.



How do you make them understand there's more to me then what they see with their naked eyes.

There were a time I was my worst enemy, they look at me and many hate when deep in side they may be able to relate to all the warfare, pain and struggles that surrounded my life and tried to seal my fate, but HE said, WAIT you daughter one day will be so great.I do believe my day is coming as my spirit converse with my cordial mind.... All the time.

My spirit says, wasn't you warned this shouldn't be a shock to you, someone anonymous sent an email with a warning saying this would happen, can't you see? My spirit keeps me grounded, humbled, focused and prayerful, My spirit tell me to seek forgiveness and constantly tell me to never forget HIM and it reminds me how much I need Him in my life. All my mistakes were stepping stones, the people placed in my life connected me to purpose. I'm not perfect, I strive to walk in perfection, my sinful nature tempts me,my thoughts tries to enslave me. I try to do the right thing, but this flesh always bargain with my nature and tries to persuade me and use my weakness to subdue me into committing acts that's contrary to my spirit.


This cycle keeps me before Him seeking Him, His redemption, I write as a way of escape, I speak that I may enlighten and share my test, trials and triumphs. I've experience so much more the one human can possible bare, but God is my source of HELP and My Savior and Deliver in spite of what others think or say. I am a Rider for Him... When you come through many storms as I have and the only help was Him, you must submit and acknowledge the truth and live everyday in effort to honor and obey. You are not accountable for what you don't know... But once you know the game begins....



He's the truth, and my light. Though the evil in the world use deception as a blinding force in effort to paint a fictitious picture of what Man want to believe based off of science, and what ever else they use. I base my faith on a personal intervention, a personal visitation of the Light. I am truly a believer...

This song is my words to the one who stole my heart and I don't want it back. Everything I am today is because of Him there's not greater love in/outside this world besides the LOVE He has given me. He has truly open my eyes when I doubted, when I questioned, when I needed a sign of His presence He was always there leading me and guiding me through all my pain and struggles I endured I now realized this is why I had to go through so much that I may pour into the souls, and hearts of others-- ONE WORD at a TIME...

                                  


I truly need Him....